Ode to Count DeCapito (or why I'm like a super villain)

Now I know that right now everyone who knows me even a little bit is thinking, “well, because you’re sick and twisted and maybe even a little insane, and you only play Warhammer armies that are sick and twisted and a little insane”.

I know – that’s what I thought too! That’s why my avatar is always the same

and why a lot of my armies are references to classic super-villainy (Legion of the Kraken = Cobra/Hydra). I only just this morning uncovered the truth…

See, I had just been in a very morose, depressive state the past two days following the debacle which was my showing at the Conflict GT. Fortunately, the slump only lasted a day or two – thank the maker for wives and medication – and this morning I started feeling a creative surge which often follows one of these funks (hence this Wall of Text right here). I started thinking about how the new army I was building for Bloody Valentine - nice plug for our club here, check it out at http://ordo-ineptus.com/40ktourny.aspx – was going to rock everyone’s world (looks-wise at least. Performance-wise, it’s a goblin army, and I’m not that delusional). And that’s when It hit me: I’m just like Count DeCapito!

A pause now for some back-story here. In the 1970’s in Japan, the giant robot craze started with the cartoon Mazinger Z. One of the primary villains was the headless lunatic Count Brocken. In the 80’s the series was redubbed and exported to America as “Tranzor Z” and the character was renamed “Count DeCapito”. (For Duke G, Rod, and Arlin who saw the version they exported to Mexico, the character was Conde Decapitado)

Anyway, every day when I came home from school I eagerly tuned in to watch Tranzor Z, and at the beginning of every episode, Count Decapito – or sometimes his rival Devline or their master, Dr Demon – would unveil a brand new gigantic machine beast that was ‘sure to defeat Tranzor Z’.

Spoiler Alert:
With the exception of a pair of two-part stories, no machine beast ever made it to the end of an episode of Tranzor Z.

And at the end of the episode after the machine beast in question was either disintegrated or blown to tiny bits, Count DeCapito would sulk or throw his head across the room but then by the beginning of the next episode he would be back and cackling with maniacal glee about his newest machine beast and how it was going to totally kick Tranzor Z’s ass

Never did he try rebuilding or repairing one of the ones that almost worked and try to make it a little better. Always a completely brand new Tranzor Z-killing giant doomsday machine. And this is what I realized I can relate to. Because I have twelve different painted armies for the two Warhammer systems. My newest ‘doomsday device’ will be the thirteenth. And that’s not even counting armies I’ve sold or scrapped for newer miniatures when they got overhaul codexes. I think the number is probably closer to 17 complete armies I’ve assembled and painted in the 13 years I’ve been playing Warhammer.

On average each one has been used maybe a couple times.

A new one each episode.

Very rarely – and by that I mean hardly ever – do I go back and try and fine tune a list to make it better, or experiment with a list I’m painting to see how it actually works.

At first I was completely blown away by my realization. Then I started thinking about the other villainous notables from my childhood that I still obsess over and reference constantly in my creative works.

Guys like him

and him.

Yup and yup. Master plan. Master plan fails. Next episode, brand new master plan.

And each time they were totally pumped up about their ‘foolproof’ plan. That’s an unshakable self confidence. I mean, I get surprised and disappointed by how bad something ends up sucking, but by now I’ve at least come to expect it to suck just a little. But they still keep coming back for more, and usually from a different direction (that still often proves equally futile in the end), and I think that’s where the comparison fits best. I thought about my personal life, which I never get into in this kind of forum, and realized that the same super-villain paradigm can be applied.
Then I thought of some of my favorite comic book characters.

This guy

and him

And him too.

Same deal. Always had something new that was sure to guarantee them victory over the hero. Never worked. But still they kept coming back again to unleash their next master plan with gusto.

And when all the master plan, doomsday machine making baddies got together? Whoo-boy, then things would get really interesting.

They would sit around and combine their already loony and larger than life personalities together to form diabolical schemes that would get so grandiose and top heavy they would almost move into the surreal realm. Here’s an excerpt from Seanbaby’s Superfriends Page (http://www.seanbaby.com/super.htm), where he does an awesome send up of that show and the Legion of Doom in particular.
“it's a good thing they failed, because if they were successful, they'd end up tallying their take home pay, and realize they're in the hole 80 million dollars per mission. Extorting money from world nations makes you money, but have you ever looked into the cost of an oribital death ray, or a flying submersible headquarters?”

And again, it was always something completely different (and for the most part, untested) You will not find course correction, triangulation, trial and error, or test run in the supervillain playbook.

Count DeCapito never just fixed that one fatal flaw that kept the last machine beast from destroying Tranzor Z (and of course they ALL have to almost destroy him, otherwise it wouldn’t be a half hour show). He also never held off on sending the new ones out to fight and accumulated like eight or nine of them throw at Tranzor Z all at once. I always thought that one might have worked.

At the same time, Cobra Commander never just retooled that one plan for world domination that would have worked if one of the female Joe members had not happened to have been carrying a make-up kit with compact and a few bobby pins into a combat situation (oh those sexist, sexist 80’s)

Personally I always thought Cobra should have released a follow up album to their subliminal hypnotizing zombifying rock anthem ‘Cold Slither’.


I mean, even Meatloaf came back for an encore.

But then, that’s Cobra.

And that’s me.

And I guess that’s why we’re drawn to one another. Because fine tuning an army list or a doomsday machine or a plan for global domination is just not as interesting as coming up with a brand new one.

Now prepare to tremble at the sight of my Ghost N’ Goblin army!

Muwha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!